the best + worst of 2015

Here am I, after a loooong blogging hiatus! It's hard to conciliate the hectic life of med school with blogging, especially now that exams are quickly approaching (my first one is next Tuesday!). 

However, after a very turbulent year, I think it's good for me to reminisce and reflect about what went well and what could have gone better!

This year was a very tough one, emotionally.

I thought I had lost my group of high school buddies. We stopped hanging out for a while, and even though that made me feel very sad and replaced, I think it was necessary. High school is a time when a part of you is defined by the group you're in, or at least, that's how I felt; now that we're all in different colleges, we had to figure ourselves out on our own. We had a reunion dinner last week and it was completely fascinating to meet those lovely people, flaws and all, and to know more about who they're growing up to be. 

I was broken up with for the first time - he was my first love, my first kiss, my first everything. It was very recent and I'm still recovering, but now I know that I have to love myself alone before I love anyone else.

With all these losses (but also gains), I feel like I've grown a lot emotionally. Even though I give all of me to people, sometimes, they can't give it back the way I expect them to. And now I can accept it.

Now, on a happier note, I will share the best things that have happened to me this year!

- The friends who were always there - my best friends. There are two girls in this world who have stuck with me through thick and thin this year. They have taught me the importance of being INTENTIONAL regarding friendship! Even though we don't spend as much time together as we did before college, we do our best to schedule walks and lunches. Friendships don't mantain themselves on their own, they take a lot of hard work, but it's definitely worth it.

- The two new best friends I made at college. These girls are a huge blessing to me. It's been amazing to get to know them better and to do life with them, through Harry Potter marathons, vegan meals and coffee shop tours. They have really beautiful hearts and the potential to be world-changing.

- My college class. Wow. We've only been together since September, but the amount of inside jokes is already very high. I cherish very much the lunchtimes we spend talking about books, movies, or even deep conversations about life. When I had my bad break-up they were so supportive and kept me going despite how heartbroken I felt.

- Med school. I am PASSIONATE about what I'm studying, and I'm very excited and eager to become a doctor!

- Visiting New York City. It was my first time outside of Europe, and NYC really is the city of dreams. I took memories from there that I will never forget.

Well, let's hope 2016 brings more adventures! I will definitely work on myself a lot.

I hope you all have a great new year!

lots of love,

Mariana

i see humans, but no humanity

Last Friday night, my choir rehearsal was cancelled at the last minute. It had been an exhausting day, and I just felt like introverting all night - watching some TV shows, scrolling through Tumblr... then, my mum alerted me for the fact that there was a terrorist attack going on in Paris.

I logged onto Facebook and my feed was full of videos of the moment when the explosions were heard during the France-Germany friendly match. I read that the French president had been removed from there. 

Minutes there, I heard on TV that there had been shootings at restaurants - where people like me and my family and friends were having dinner. And I heard that people who were watching a rock concert, merely having a good time, had been taken hostage at the Bataclan and were being executed in an awfully cruel and inhumane manner.

I found a website where I could read the latest news about the Paris attacks. It was terrifying to me. Places I have been twice - like the Louvre and the Pompidou centre - were under attack, not that far away from me. I am perfectly aware that this is a very selfish way of thinking, and that, in Syria, this is everyday life. But it's kind of a human nature thing to feel things more deeply when they hit close to home.

The following day, I turned on my laptop and started scrolling social media. I was very pleasantly surprised with all the manifestations of solidarity and affection, like the #PorteOuverte movement (where people from Paris shared their addresses online to give shelter to anyone who was on the streets), #prayforParis, the French flag thing... However, something that made me very angry were those people who were saying that those displays of affection and humanity were "lame" and "inappropriate". Well, excuse me? 

I was also shocked with what the media did not say. I didn't previously know that there had also been a terrorist attack in Beirut, at a mosque, where 43 people were killed. I didn't know that, in Bagdad, there had been a bombing in a funeral. I didn't know that 2000 people had been murdered in Nigeria.

Those news broke my heart even more. First, because, even though it's okay that the news about France hit closer to home, most people in this part of the world did not care at all about what was happening in those countries. Then, because so many innocent lives were taken that day, at the hands of monsters who use religion - of all things - as an excuse for their murders and crimes. 

That Saturday was a day of massive reflection for me. Enough with listing the facts that everyone probably knows by now - I'm going to tell you about the conclusions I got to.

- ISIS or Daesh or whatever you want to call them - they want to spread hate. We can't fall for it. We have to extend our love and compassion to all the innocent souls who are suffering with these wars.

- There's a world beyond our immediate, privileged horizon - we mustn't forget about it. Those people need our prayers, too, if that's the only thing we can give.

And the last one - even though it's far less relevant:

- Social media is good for spreading positive thoughts and vibes. If you're going to pollute someone's day with your bitterness, PLEASE DON'T. You don't know the heart behind people's publications. Don't pretend like you do, and mostly, don't act like being all snobby in these situations makes you look intelligent and intellectual. 

lots of love,

Mariana

P.S: if any of these facts are wrong, PLEASE correct me! it's not my intention to spread false information. 

stuff I'm thankful for: October

I've always found that listing the good things that have happened in a period of time helps me put my life in perspective: do the good things outnumber the bad ones? If not, what can I do to improve my life right now? That's why this idea came up: from now on, at the end of each month, I will write a list of the good things that have happened, so that I can reflect upon them and feel more thankful.

October has come and gone so fast! I can't believe it's November already: it seems like Christmas will be here any minute! Not that I'm complaining, because it's my favourite holiday. :)

From all the things that have happened this past month, I am especially thankful for:

• Getting to know my new classmates better - 12-hour-long school days become more bearable when you are surrounded by funny people!
• Hanging out with my best friends from uni. One of them had never seen the Harry Potter movies before (shame!!!) so, every now and then, we go to her house to show her these masterpieces. We also end up having good food, deep, meaningful talks and a great time overall.

• Lifelong friends who know your heart, and who never leave even though most people do.
• A boyfriend who, despite having lots of tests and stuff to study, always makes time to be with me. I've been learning that, in a relationship, it's not enough to have affection for the person. You have to keep choosing them, in order to love them better. Even if that means that most of your dates are study dates.
• Analog photography. I've been experimenting with it  and I'm loving the results! I love capturing candid moments and beautiful landscapes, even if the price of it requires me to be more selective.
• Festive occasions - in this case, Halloween. It's only a recent tradition in my country, but I still decorated my house for it, and I loved giving candy to the kids who went trick or treating in my neighbourhood! I think it's great that these kids are leaving their TVs and computers to get to know their neighbours better.

• The beautiful sunsets of Autumn. I've been sharing lots of pictures on Instagram of the breathtaking sunsets I get to see.
• Stepping on crunchy leaves!!

• My new rain boots. I can jump on puddles of water with them. Yaaaay!

Well, that's all, folks - let's see what November brings!

lots of love,

Mariana

a love letter to my body

My dear body,

if you had asked me some years ago, I don't think I could have written a love letter to you. In my past way of thinking, you were never good enough, because you were not like everyone else's body. 

You were too much in a world that demanded too little, a firework in a world of plain darkness. 

You grew too fast and that made me feel isolated, not proud. I was 10 and I felt like a clumsy, chubby giant whose body was constantly changing. I didn't feel comfortable with my newly-found womanhood and mistook it for something freaky. I was "Pamela Anderson" and my friends were just kids. 

Society's patterns have wronged you, my dear body: had I never heard that girl in your seventh year class exaggerate about how she drank water so that she wouldn't be hungry, or how she did hundreds of sit-ups before bed, I would have never skipped meals at school (just to binge eat later on) or got out of bed every night, after everyone had fallen asleep, to do 120 sit-ups or more, asking God that He would make you thin. My motto was: be skinny, shrink yourself, be fragile. But you, wonderful body, are flawless as long as you are healthy and I am happy.

I have never been a picky eater. In fact, I realize that I eat more than other girls my age. One of my best friends bought this up, unconsciously and without any harm intended: "Mariana, how can you eat so much? ". From this sentence, I only heard "Eating that much makes you gross in everybody's eyes!!" and it stung. A lot. So much that, sometimes, eating in front of friends still makes me uncomfortable. What if the food I'm eating is too unhealthy and that makes me look gross? What if I eat too fast? What if I enjoy it too much? 

Then, some more serious problems appeared in my mental life, and that took its toll on you. I hurt you all through high school, and for that, I am genuinely sorry. Thankfully, I have a very strict "eating structure" at home, I have a schedule and company for each meal, and that helped me keep healthy-ish eating patterns through my saddest days. However, I distinctively remember, when I went on holidays with my uncles, wanting to not eat on that weekend because my parents wouldn't be watching me. I lost some weight that year, also because of stress and exams, and it was like a positive feedback thing where I wanted my ribs to be more and more visible. Especially due to my family's surveillance, I never completely gave up eating, and for that I'm very grateful.

(I'm sorry, I really am)

I still struggle with eating guilt every now and then, and today was one of those days. It's my sister's birthday, there are LOADS of delicious food but my body image has been terrible these last few days. It's something I have to work on, and I will push those thoughts aside and celebrate the birthday of my favourite person in the world!

However, things are way better than they used to be. I have accepted that you are mine and mine alone and that has reflected on my confidence and self esteem. I am way more surrounded by positivity than I used to be.

So, you marvelous body: I love your big breasts, your curvy waist, your thunder thighs, your small, hobbit-like hands and feet. MY body.  I love the brains that put me in med school. I love my eyes and my lips and my wild hair. I love my strong arms and my short legs. I LOVE YOU AND I LOVE MYSELF AND I WILL SHOUT IT FROM ROOFTOPS TO MAKE IT MORE TRUE.

Lots of love,

Mariana

reinventing me

As I write on pretty much every blog post I write, my college experience has been life-changing in every way possible. My group of friends has changed; my tastes have changed; my life vision has evolved, with a lot of heartache and joy in the midst.

I think that the biggest difference was that, since I only knew one person in my course, I got to start over. No one had a pre-formed opinion of me. Even though I love those people who knew me in my darkest days and stayed, this environment allowed me to be unapologetically me.

I felt a huge difference on how I was treated by most people. In the various schools I've been in, I've always been the nerdy girl with a tight-knit group of friends and not a big connection to other people. I've always been seen as just a smart girl who was nice enough to help with homework and tests by people who didn't know me very well nor cared to know. 

When I got into uni, I was shocked that people I didn't know were so nice to me and genuinely seemed to think I was funny! That gave me so much confidence to socialize more and get to know my colleagues better. I guess that, maybe, they felt the same as I did.

I think my relationship with my boyfriend has also helped me grow a lot. We have been together for a little over a year and a half and it's been fascinating to grow up with him. He gives me so much support, and I try to be as encouraging to him as he is to me. It makes me feel so giddy and excited to think about how much adventures we're still to have.

I won't say that I don't struggle anymore. Sometimes, anxiety is overwhelming, especially because there's a lot to study; I've faced it too in social situations when my friends aren't around at college and I have to walk down the halls by myself and say hello to people and blahhhh, I feel so inappropriate and small. This past week, I've also had some depressive moments when I just felt like I was nothing and that none of this was worth it: my lovely guy talked me through it, and things are better now.

My faith has also been growing lots. I've found amazing community online in groups like The Peony Project, a kind of community that I don't find that easily in my everyday life. This has helped me so much with interpreting Scripture and relying on God's love for me. Jesus gives me a gold standard to base myself upon.

I don't know. I'm different, but I'm happy, and I'm healthier than I used to be.

Lots of love,

Mariana

marianalog

Hey there! 

I don't know if I've talked about this on the blog, but, these past holidays, I found my parents' old analog camera and decided to start doing something new. My love for photography has been growing a lot for the past year or so, and taking analog pictures is definitely teaching me a lot!

Today, I'll share some of the pictures I took in this end of summer/beginning of fall season! I'm doing this so that I can keep track of my own progress. I was really pleased with how they turned out: I tried to capture candid moments and beautiful places, so that I can remember them in the future.

So, here they are! A brief story of this season of my life through pictures.

(at D'bandada, a street music festival in Porto)

(the beautiful view of the river from Palácio de Cristal)

(the beach-each on a cloudy day!)

I'm always looking for more advice so that I can improve my photography: if you have some tips for me, I'd be super grateful!

lots of love,

Mariana

lovely sunday.

Yesterday, I had such a lovely day. It was a perfect Autumn day which made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside, so I decided to share it with you all, so that you can share some of my joy.

I woke up to an amazing breakfast, with many different types of bread and freshly brewed coffee. My sister's best friend had slept over, so it was kind of a special occasion. The whole family ate at the table and it was lovely.

Then, it was time for church. I was wearing a skirt, which always makes me feel happier. We even met a new seminary student who is doing an internship at our church! It was really nice to worship and sing, as always. 

Lunch - turkey with pineapple - was delicious, and since it was sunny, we could eat outside. Our friend the fat cat passed by as usual, the birds were singing and it was a great meal. It tasted great especially because we were really hungry!

After lunch, my boyfriend came over, so that we could study together. (Yes, we were completely focused!) My parents made us coffee and we sat, opened our computers (which look the same but in different colours) and studied the afternoon away! Since we're both med students (at different colleges though), we can help each other.

At around five, I decided to bake scones. (I think I may be a British woman in a parallel universe). My boyfriend and I made the scones, my sister and her friend set the table and made tea. We all sat around the table again, ate and chatted happily over tea cups. My aunt and my little cousin came over, and they got to eat scones as well!

Then, we went back to study for a bit, until my guy and my sister's friend had to go home. It was lovely to have them over, because it felt like we were all a huge family.

Finally, my parents, my sister and I had raviolis for dinner (yum yum!) and binge-watched ER until it was time to go to bed.

It was a perfect ending to a perfect day!

love,

Mariana

#21 my favourite quote

Hello, cuties! After almost a week of not posting on this blog - starting uni really messed me up this week - and a bit of guilt for not following the Blog-tember Challenge, I am back! I don't know if I'm gonna keep up with it everyday, but I will try.

As soon as I saw today's prompt, I knew I had to write about it:

A favorite quote/expression and how it has impacted you.

My favourite quote EVER is from Grey's Anatomy, season 11, episode 14. In this episode, Amelia Shepherd removed a brain tumor from a fellow doctor from the hospital, even though that intervention made this doctor blind. The surgery was really, really long, and the tumor was really bad, but they beat it. And you know how in Grey's Anatomy there are these "speeches" or whatever you want to call it, in the beginning and the end of the episode? Well, here is that episode's "speech". I wrote it on my planner as a source of inspiration for my daily life.

(I apologize for my awful handwriting on this page! If I had known I would publish this on my blog, I'd have written it in a prettier way).

In 1888 William Williams Keen became one of the first surgeons to successful remove a brain tumor. A big win. It's true. You can look it up. What’s harder to find, however, are stories of all the times Ole Double Billy K tried to pull a tumor out of a brain and lost. The losses must have happened. A surgeon must always be prepared to lose and in Neurosurgery, with the big tumors, we lose those battles as often as we succeed. The key though, win or lose, is to never fail. The only way to fail is not to fight. So you fight until you can’t fight anymore. Hold up your head and enter the arena and face the enemy. Fight until you can’t fight anymore. Never let go. Never give up. Never run. Never surrender. Fight the good fight. You fight even when it seems inevitable that you’re about to go down swinging.

Why do we even try when the barriers are so high and the odds are so low? Why don’t we just pack it in and go home? It’d be so, so much easier. It's because in the end, there’s no glory in easy. No one remembers easy. They remember the blood and the bones and the long agonizing fight to the top. And that is how you become legendary. - Amelia Shepherd (Season11, Ep.14-The Distance)

I first watched this episode last June, while I was studying for my Neuroanatomy exam, which really fit the situation. And these whole paragraphs inspired me to keep studying and working hard, no matter how exhausted I felt, because "the only way to fail is not to fight". 

As I have mentioned before, I am really passionate about Medicine and about the perspective of helping people in my future. I don't want to do it so that people can find me legendary or a superhero. I don't necessarily want to be remembered or to win big awards. I want to work and fight to save people's lives, to make people happy and healthy. And that's the goal I work towards everyday.

Other quotes that have had a huge impact on me:
"In spite of everything I still believe that people are really good at heart." - Anne Frank
"We accept the love we think we deserve" - Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower

What is your favourite quote?

lots of love,

Mariana

#15 what's in my bag?

Hey, lovelies! Winter is coming to Portugal in a rush: today was my first day back at uni, and today we had the WORST weather in a long, long time. It's raining a lot (my clothes got completely soaked - thank you so much, buses, for never coming on time) and it's so windy that people are losing their umbrellas everywhere.

Since it's my first day of school, today's Blog-tember prompt seems really fit! I LOVE school materials so I'm thrilled to show them to you!

What's in your bag? Pick up your purse and peruse its contents, then share with us!

These are the contents of the bag I take to school everyday! This polka-dotted backpack from Eastpack is my latest acquisition. I used to take a green one everywhere, but my mum decided it was too old and used, and bought me a new one.

• My binder, from Make Notes - a spectacular stationery brand from Portugal. It's really cute and I can bring all my papers with me.
• My notebook has different "sections" for each of my subjects. I can take all my notes and take them everywhere without taking millions of notebooks and hurting my back!
• My pencil case from Make Notes, which matches my binder!
• My coloured pens, because I like taking colourful notes.
• My planner - which I bought in New York - which says "Faith, Hope and Love" in the front and "And the greatest of these is Love" in the back. It's really inspiring and I really depend on my planners to keep myself organized.
• My bigger notebook, from Tuscany, Italy, where I make lists, keep contacts and plan college projects or blog posts.
• My Alice in Wonderland little notebook, where I let my inspiration flow. I write stories, poems and random thoughts in it,
• My good old iPod. I use it to listen to music when I'm on the bus or walking.
• My home keys (obvious)
• My Nine West wallet, also bought in NYC.
• My flowery "bag of girly stuff".

I usually carry a book with me everywhere. However, I'm reading a very big book right now (A Dance with Dragons) and, besides it being very heavy, I don't want to risk it getting soaked in the pouring rain...

Well, those are the normal contents of my bag! Do you bring any more stuff with you?

lots of love,

Mariana

#13 & 14 season + books

Whoops... seems like I've fallen behind a day on the Blog-tember Challenge! Since this weekend I barely spent any time at home (too much exciting stuff happening in town!), now comes the time to keep up with it!

Create a collage or inspiration/mood board for this season in your life. (This was yesterday's prompt!)

(game of thrones; wanderlust; tea; driving at night; new york city; finding myself; photography; music + books = music books)

Today the theme is BOOKS! My absolute fave. I'm thrilled to tell you about my favourite books of all time! Click on the links to find these books' Goodreads pages if you want to know more.

The 5 books that have impacted your life the most. (I hope book sagas are valid, and I don't think I can choose only five!)

1. The Perks of Being a Wallflower, by Stephen Chbosky

This book has had a huge impact in my high school life. It's a really heartfelt coming-of-age story of a shy boy who is starting high school, dealing with his own issues but also finding a new world of friends, parties, car rides, mixtapes, heartbreak and all that jazz that being a teenager in the 90's involved. As an introverted girl who also found a great new world in high school, this book really spoke to my heart. I've read it lots and lots of times, and it's probably my favourite book ever.

2. Little Women by Louisa May Alcott

This was my favourite book as a child, I used to read it all the time when I was 8 or 9. Even today, I am greatly inspired by this beautiful story of four sisters growing up in the 19th Century. It's the kind of book that should be read by the fireplace with a cup of tea on my hand.

3. To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee

I read this book last year, I think, and I found it amazing. It has had a great influence on my views of the world. However, I don't think I want to read Go Set a Watchman, because I don't want it to change my idea of this story.

4. The Diary of Anne Frank

Anne Frank is one of my favourite people who ever lived. She was so young when she wrote this diary, and she had such a mature way of thinking. It fascinates me. Even with all the horrors she and her family suffered, she said, "Despite everything, I believe that people are really good at heart", and that thought is something that amazes me. I try to live with that in mind all the time.

5. Harry Potter by JK Rowling
There are no words for the Potter universe. I've been a Potterhead for as long as I can remember - I saw the first movie in the cinema when I was 5 - and this story is a part of me. I spent my childhood waiting for my Hogwarts letter, somehow. It was a great experience to grow up with these characters, and I never get tired of reading the books over and over again.

6. Lord of the Rings by J.R.R. Tolkien
I read all the books last summer, and I was absolutely smitten. Again, there are no words. I entered a beautiful fantasy world from which I didn't want to get out. These books bring me peace and hope ,when I need it, that everything will be alright in the end.

7. A Song of Ice and Fire by George R.R. Martin
I'm still reading these, and I'm amazed by the writer's imagination and knowledge of human nature, the good and the bad. Even though bad stuff is always happening and my favourite characters keep dying, these storylines are just pure genius to me. I hope the next book comes faster, because I need to know more and more!

Well, these are my seven faves! What are yours?

lots of love,
Mariana

#12 currently

reading... A Dance with Dragons by George R.R. Martin
watching... Hawaii Five-O (because that's what on TV pretty much every day at the time I'm writing this...). I'm probably going to re-watch The Perks of Being a Wallflower when I'm done.

excited for... the new school year to start! I really miss my buddies, and even though I could do well without exams and stuff, I really really love uni.

eating... homemade banana ice-cream!

texting... my boyfriend, who is on holidays and making me immensely jealous.

listening to... Death of a Bachelor, by Panic! at the Disco. I know I've mentioned this song before, but I'm really addicted to it! 

missing... New York City. Pretty badly. Looking at the pictures I took has this effect on me. However, I also miss my college friends.

loving... going out with my best friends to sweet coffee shops/the book fair in the last days of summer holidays.

hating... the weather. It's so annoying to wake up to a sunny day, leave the house after lunch wearing shorts and a t-shirt, and then freezing to death because the weather decides to change! I love fall, but please, someone tell me what to wear so that I won't either freeze or roast!

photographing... scenes from my summer with my analog camera. I've been taking it everywhere I go ever since I got the film, and I can't wait to reveal it to keep these memories forever!

feeling... constantly sleepy, except for when I go to bed.

thankful for... meaningful chats and re-encounters.

trying... not to be so impulsive and to control my bad temper.

planning on... going to the book fair this weekend and buying all. the. books.

addicted to... ice-cream with crispy stuff on top.

Well, here goes one more Blog-tember post! Hope you guys enjoyed it!

What are you currently into?

lots of love,

Mariana

#11 friday night

Hey, lovelies!

Hooray for Friday! Today's Blog-tember prompt is exactly about... Fridays! 

It's a Friday night and you decide to stay in. What do you do?

First of all, I must say that this would be a very rare occasion, since I have choir rehearsals on Friday nights, which I only (rarely) miss if I have a birthday party or a special occasion of some kind. However, if I was to have a Friday night at home, I know what I would do. I'd do basically the kind of stuff I usually do when I have a Saturday night at home.

• Write new blog posts, edit pictures for my posts, all the blog-related things.
• Watch TV shows with my parents (some of our faves are ER, The Mentalist, Mr. Selfridge) while eating stuff. If it's cold, we'll wrap ourselves up in blankets.
• Watch movies or Game of Thrones with my sister.
• Play piano/guitar and sing until someone tells me to shut up, because I'd wake up the neighbours.
• If I'm tired, I'll go to bed very early and read a lot before I go to sleep.
• Scroll through Tumblr - Tumblr is my favourite way to express myself online, along with this blog. I use it to reblog images and quotes that fit my moods and tastes, and I'm really proud of how my Tumblr looks.
• Search for recipes on Pinterest. That's the main use I have for Pinterest!
• Talk to people on Facebook. Sometimes I use these periods of time when I don't have anything to do to have meaningful chats with friends I don't get to see very often.
• Send/receive ugly snaps to/from my boyfriend. This one is a must!
• Have I mentioned that I EAT a lot? Ice-cream, cake, chocolate (even the kitchen kind). Anything goes! Also, if you make me tea before I go to bed, I'll love you forever.

Nothing too exciting, I'm sorry. But I do find it very relaxing to spend a Friday/Saturday night in from time to time. It allows me to have some alone time, but also to do some things I don't always have the time to do, like watching marathons of TV shows or write 3 or 4 posts in a row! (That's a LOT for me).

What do you do when you spend the night in?

lots of love,
Mariana

#10 bucket list

Today, for the Blog-tember Challenge, the theme is... bucket lists!

10 items off your bucket list. If you haven't made one, now's a good time to start!

I've made tons of bucket lists at many different times of my life. Most of them refer to a specific year/school year and include vague things like "love myself more", "study daily" or "have fun". My best friend and I usually meet at the beginning of each new year and, together, we write a bucket list of things we want to accomplish that year. (Unless we feel like going with the flow.)

I don't like writing vague things on my blog. I think that's a waste of my readers' time, and that if people are going to read my words, they might as well be concise and authentic. So, today, I won't say I want to evolve in non-specific ways. I will present a list of specific things I want to do or achieve during my lifetime.

So, without further ado, here are 10 points off my bucket list!

1. Set my feet on the five continents. I want to know big cities, little villages, mountains, deserts, beaches, forests. Throughout my life, I want to make traveling a priority, by saving money to do so and by researching for the cheapest ways to explore as much as possible.

2. I want to get married and have a family, WHILE being a great professional. I want to prove that both things are compatible. I want to prove that we can have typically feminine roles AND be strong, determined and world-changing.

3. I have a list of all the books that have been referred to in Gilmore Girls and I mean to read them all.

4. I want to have a cat. My parents never liked pets, so they only let us keep canaries. They sang beautifully, but they're kinda boring... and I've always envied people who have cats and dogs in their houses.

5. Study abroad, through the Erasmus programme. Some of the countries I'd like to study in include: Denmark, England, Ireland and the USA.

6. Read the entire Bible. This may take a while, and I don't plan on reading it like I read a "regular" book, but it's something I really want to do.

7. Write a novel. I've tried to write a novel numerous times, but I always got lost on the storylines. I'll keep writing short stories until I find a bigger idea for a bigger story.

8. Take my camera with me to a random place for a day and take pictures of the people passing by, Humans of New York style.

9. Take ballet classes. (There are "ballet for adults" classes where I live, and ever since I was little I've dreamed of being a ballerina).

10. Finish my music certificates. (Hopefully I will complete my piano certificate this year, but the musical theory one might have to wait a year).

Well, there are so many more items that I could refer to, but these were the first that popped into my head!

One more day of Blog-tember completed. I've been having a blast writing these posts!

Do you have a bucket list? If so, what kind of goals does it include?

lots of love,
Mariana

#9 hello, sixteen

dear sixteen-year-old mariana,

your nineteen-year-old self says hi. 

in case you're wondering, yes, you made it into med school. the hours of intense study for your national exams paid off, so did your efforts on gym classes to get a decent grade. you were the 17th to get in. that was awesome, and now that I look back, I'm glad that you worked so hard.

no, you're not too fat to be beautiful. yes, you can eat what you want without anxiety. you don't have to feel guilty for eating all the delicious stuff that you like. the self-hatred will mostly fade away. stop hurting yourself. you are loved. Jesus loves you, even if you don't always remember that.

no, life isn't like "the perks of being a wallflower", your favourite book. some of the people you'd do anything for right now will leave your life as soon as they get the chance. it will break your heart, but you'll make it. hold on to those who stay, open your heart to great new people, and you'll make it.

you're more than a sob story. the past is in the past. stop holding on to the bad things people did to you back then. you are a beautiful firework and you will explode soon enough. don't label yourself as the bullying victim, don't get stuck on the bad thoughts and memories. your friends are hurting too. give them a helping hand, you know we all need it. grow with them. some will leave, but you won't regret it.

no, you're not "disgusting to boys". a year or so from now, this shy, curly-haired, super tall boy will look at you, ask you for your number, call you to go on dates, kiss you for the first time, and make you love him. he will become your safe harbour and your best friend. he will know your heart, the good and the bad, and love you for it. just wait and see.

you need time to yourself. don't worry, it's not just you. your introversion won't keep you from being happy and people won't think less of you if you just don't feel like hanging out one day.

cherish your sister. you will see her grow into a beautiful young woman, with a soft and gentle heart. guide her and help her do the growing up thing better than you did. cherish your parents, they love you so fiercely. cherish your family in general.

you don't know lord of the rings or game of thrones yet, but trust me, you will.

you will find your faith again, and everything will make so much more sense.

you will find your love for photography. you will also keep playing music. also, hang on to your choir friends - they'll give you so much joy and you'll be so happy to be in that group.

dance, sing, play music, read "the perks" countless times on rainy days, watch the movie 10 times, laugh, cry. live your teenage years fully, because they'll help you become me. not that I'm an example of perfect success, but oh well.

write that diary of yours. one day I'll sit on my bed and read it as tears stream down my face with all the nostalgic feelings. it will be so great to remember you and how you thought and felt so deeply.

wear those bow ties on your hair, those sweaters with shirts, the knee socks over your leggings. don't leave the pursuit of uniqueness. fitting in isn't everything.

you are awesomely cool, girl. I liked being you. it was great. thanks.

lots of love,

19-year-old Mariana

Hope you liked this sneak peek into my past, once more, for the Blog-tember Challenge. This was a very very personal and meaningful post for me and I loved writing it. I hope you enjoy reading it!

#8 favourite season

Hello lovelies! A whole week of September has flown by, leading me closer to the beginning of the school year and all the excitement and anxiety that follow. With it, I've been writing for the Blog-tember Challenge for a whole week! More than I thought I could keep up with. Yay for me! It's been so much fun!

Today's prompt is: Tell us about your favorite season. Why is it your favorite and what does it say about you?

As you can probably guess from the picture above, my favourite season is autumn! This picture was taken last year with my old phone's camera, near my university. The colours of the leaves were so beautiful that I didn't mind looking like a fool, taking pictures with my old Nokia in the middle of the street!

Here are some of the reasons why I love Autumn so much:

the colours. In my city, there are lots of trees everywhere, and when fall begins, the leaves acquire beautiful colours of red, yellow and brown. It's magical to just walk around the streets of Porto and marvel at their beauty during autumn.

the clothes. It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy to think about knee socks, woolen sweaters, my brown boots, autumn dresses, plaid shirts, warm scarves... I love seeing myself in those outfits, when you can wear comfy clothes without the "freezing to death" feeling of winter.

the feeling of imminent change. Autumn comes with the beginning of a new school year, and new beginnings make me feel excited. There's so much uncertainty, but I can only hope and work towards a great year. I end up feeling more inspired during fall.

the food. With the colder days, come the cups of tea (I'm a massive tea drinker), the scones, the mug cakes... all the sweet treats I indulge in to keep myself motivated, haha. I love going to coffee shops with my love, eating delicious cakes and drinking tea or coffee.

the proximity to Christmas. Christmas is my absolutely favourite time of the year! I love singing Christmas songs, decorating the Christmas tree, buying gifts for my loved ones... and all this Christmas-related stuff starts on autumn, so there's one more reason for me to love it.

These are just some of the reasons. I think that Autumn is the season that resonates with me the most, as a self-proclaimed outgoing introvert, because I get to meet lots of people and to find a new reality every year, but I can always go home, sit on the couch with a blanket on my legs and a cup of tea on my hand and read lots and lots of books. It's a season of change, but also a season of comfortable things; the weather is unpredictable, and so am I. It's also that time in the year when I can actually say:

I feel SO excited for Autumn as I write this. I can't wait to get out of my house and be able to step on the crunchy leaves! 

What's your favourite season, and why?

Lots of love,

Mariana

#7 meaning behind the name

Happy Monday to you all! Hope you had a nice weekend and that you're fully ready to make this week a great one. Here, I'll stay with the Blog-tember Challenge, and today the prompt is...

Tell us about your blog name. Where did it come from?

A year ago, I created a blog called Finding Mariana. It was meant to be a way for me to write about my experiences on my first year of college. However, that did not go so well. I didn't have any kind of vision for my blog, and ended up losing interest.

When my summer holidays started, I felt the urge to get back on the blogging train, but the plans I had on my mind weren't compatible with my previous blog, and that's why I created this one! However, for quite a few days, I struggled because I had no idea what name I should give it. Here are some of the topics I wanted to englobe in the name:

• storytelling
• wanderlust/anything related to travel
• girl power

However, none of the names that popped on my mind were catchy or even interesting. I was kind of giving up by that time. I remember being on a bus with my notebook open and trying so hard to come up with a fun name, with no results.

The idea for A Hopeful Wanderer came one night, when I was at home, listening to the song Hopeless Wanderer by Mumford and Sons. And something clicked on my head. I changed "hopeless" to "hopeful", because I want this blog to be a happy place where people can find hope and where I can write about my many hopes for the future. The "wanderer" part particularly reflects the part of me that LOVES traveling and exploring the world, finding new places and stories, something that is a huge part of what I want this blog to be about. 

Somehow, I found this name absolutely perfect. I started working on a banner the minute after I came up with it. And, a whole summer later, here we are!

Here's the song that gave me the inspiration for my blog title!

lots of love,
Mariana

#6 fashion statement

The theme of today's Blog-tember Challenge is... fashion! Something I'm definitely not an expert on!

Share your style. What fashion trends do you love, frequent, or avoid?

As I just say, I'm not an expert on fashion. I don't read fashion magazines or pay attention to the new trends each year. However, I do have certain preferences when it comes to clothing.

Even though it's not always practical for me to wear them, skirts and dresses are my absolute favourite pieces of clothing. They make me feel the prettiest, and I want to be a woman who can kick some butt on a typically feminine outfit, haha.

 (collage made on Polyvore.com)

I like having a vintage-ish style, so vintage stores are definitely a must for me! Some of my favourite brands are Forever 21, Springfield, H&M and Pimkie. I don't like spending too much money on clothes, though, so I make the best use of those I own. I also love wearing make-up, especially cherry red or bright pink lipstick.

I don't think we should focus on looks only (there are more important things), but I definitely believe that wearing clothes, accessories and makeup we enjoy seeing ourselves on gives a great confidence boost! I also dislike to hear people saying you can't be girly and smart. To those, I have only two words. WATCH ME.

Thank you for reading once more! What are your favourite fashion trends?

lots of love,

Mariana

#5 music that makes my heart sing

One, two, three, four... Five days, and I couldn't be more excited to keep up with the Blog-tember Challenge! It's been fascinating to write about these prompts and to read your posts. I wish I had the time to read all of them!

Today, the theme is music. One of my absolute faves.

Put your iTunes/music player on shuffle and share the first 10 songs that play.
I don't really like using iTunes, but I have a huge playlist on Spotify where I put pretty much all the music I like, so that I can listen to it while I study. I've showed it to some of my colleagues, and they found it super effective!

Ready... set... GO!

1 - There Is A Light That Never Goes Out - The Smiths


and if a double-decker bus crashes into us
to die by your side is such a heavenly way to die

There was a time in my life when I wrote this part of the song on all my notebooks. I found it oddly romantic. Some time has passed since them, but this song has stayed with me to remind me of my "I-was-born-in-the-wrong-generation" era.

2 - Safe and Sound - Taylor Swift

I read the Hunger Games saga before the first movie came out (hipster much?), and by the time it did, I was completely addicted. My friends and I went to the first showing of it, right after classes had finished that day. It was an awesome experience, and this song played during the ending credits of that movie.

3 - I've Got A Dark Alley And A Bad Idea That Says You Should Shut Your Mouth - Fall Out Boy

Wow. This song brings me so many memories of my high school years. Fall Out Boy are one of my favourite bands, and this song means a lot to me because it speaks of the struggles I faced while trying to find myself in this messy world.

4 - Fall For You - Secondhand Serenade

This was probably the first non-classical song I learned to play in the piano, a bit of my lame-romantic era. I find it a good song even though it's kind of cheesy.

5 - The End of All Things - Panic! at the Disco




How could there not be a song by my favourite band ever? This song is hauntingly beautiful. The lyrics are the wedding vows of the lead singer, Brendon Urie, to his wife, Sarah. It's such a simple song - only the piano and his voice - and that's what makes it so raw and emotional.

6 - Awake My Soul - Mumford & Sons




Mumford & Sons are another of my favourite bands. Listening to their albums with a warm blanket around me, drinking tea, eating scones and watching the rain fall from my window sounds like a perfect winter plan.

7 - Bohemian Rhapsody - Queen




In my opinion, no one in the musical world can beat the geniality of Freddie Mercury and the rest of Queen. If you know me, you know that it's not unusual for me to start singing this song at the most random times. It's the most elaborate, genial song ever written for me.

8 - Oceans (Where Feet May Fail) - Hillsong United


Music is my favourite way of worship - that's why I'm on my church's youth choir. This song is one of my favourite worship songs, because it calms me down on my anxious moments and it reminds me of how trusting Jesus is the way.

9 - Nos Desenhos Animados - Os Azeitonas




What kind of Portuguese girl would I be if I didn't have any Portuguese music on my playlist? PLEASE listen to this song even if you don't understand the lyrics. It's a beautiful song about childhood love. It's really sweet!

10 - White Winter Hymnal - Fleet Foxes




Yes, I am aware that this may be considered a Christmas song. Yes, I listen to it all year. Problems? :p

lots of love,

Mariana

#4 my passion

Hey there again! Today is Friday - most people's favourite day, the promise of the weekend is too exciting! - and another wonderful day for our Blog-tember Challenge!

Today's prompt is a fascinating one: What are you passionate about?

This may be the most cliché thing ever, but I'm passionate about people and their stories. Last night I was watching an episode of ER, and they were interviewing some med school applicants who all said that they wanted to "help people", which made them sound dull and predictable. However, I don't think my passion is dull and predictable, so I'll try and put it into words as well as I can.

I wish to give people brighter days, by using the characteristics God gave me and the skills and knowledge I've been gaining throughout my entire life. When I was around fifteen, I decided that medicine was the best way for me to make myself useful to society. As a doctor - and no, I haven't decided my specialty yet - I'll be able to interact with people and, hopefully, improve their lives by improving their health. I'll have contact with a lot of different lives and stories, from which I'll surely learn a lot.

There's this saying that I've heard numerous times in medical school: "We shouldn't fix people to send them back to the conditions that made them sick", and I couldn't agree more with it. That's why I don't see myself as just a healer. I think everyone should have equal access to their basic needs and to opportunities in life, and I'm willing to do everything I can to help improve the quality of life of as many fellow humans as I can. Because we are so worth it. Humanity is so very flawed, but we are wonderfully made and we as the people of this world have potential for great things.

I'm also passionate about traveling, which may have something to do with my passion for people and their stories. I've been to quite a few cities in Europe, gone on a roadtrip to Italy and even visited New York, but my wanderlust is ever-growing, and I wish to visit as many places as I can in my life. That passion also reflects on my love for reading: it broadens my mind with countless stories and adventures that fill my imagination.

As a creative soul, I also express my passion through art, especially through photography and music. I still have a lot to learn, but I want to give as much of me as I can, in as many forms as possible.

What are YOU passionate about?

lots of love,

Mariana