reinventing me

As I write on pretty much every blog post I write, my college experience has been life-changing in every way possible. My group of friends has changed; my tastes have changed; my life vision has evolved, with a lot of heartache and joy in the midst.

I think that the biggest difference was that, since I only knew one person in my course, I got to start over. No one had a pre-formed opinion of me. Even though I love those people who knew me in my darkest days and stayed, this environment allowed me to be unapologetically me.

I felt a huge difference on how I was treated by most people. In the various schools I've been in, I've always been the nerdy girl with a tight-knit group of friends and not a big connection to other people. I've always been seen as just a smart girl who was nice enough to help with homework and tests by people who didn't know me very well nor cared to know. 

When I got into uni, I was shocked that people I didn't know were so nice to me and genuinely seemed to think I was funny! That gave me so much confidence to socialize more and get to know my colleagues better. I guess that, maybe, they felt the same as I did.

I think my relationship with my boyfriend has also helped me grow a lot. We have been together for a little over a year and a half and it's been fascinating to grow up with him. He gives me so much support, and I try to be as encouraging to him as he is to me. It makes me feel so giddy and excited to think about how much adventures we're still to have.

I won't say that I don't struggle anymore. Sometimes, anxiety is overwhelming, especially because there's a lot to study; I've faced it too in social situations when my friends aren't around at college and I have to walk down the halls by myself and say hello to people and blahhhh, I feel so inappropriate and small. This past week, I've also had some depressive moments when I just felt like I was nothing and that none of this was worth it: my lovely guy talked me through it, and things are better now.

My faith has also been growing lots. I've found amazing community online in groups like The Peony Project, a kind of community that I don't find that easily in my everyday life. This has helped me so much with interpreting Scripture and relying on God's love for me. Jesus gives me a gold standard to base myself upon.

I don't know. I'm different, but I'm happy, and I'm healthier than I used to be.

Lots of love,

Mariana