a love letter to my body

My dear body,

if you had asked me some years ago, I don't think I could have written a love letter to you. In my past way of thinking, you were never good enough, because you were not like everyone else's body. 

You were too much in a world that demanded too little, a firework in a world of plain darkness. 

You grew too fast and that made me feel isolated, not proud. I was 10 and I felt like a clumsy, chubby giant whose body was constantly changing. I didn't feel comfortable with my newly-found womanhood and mistook it for something freaky. I was "Pamela Anderson" and my friends were just kids. 

Society's patterns have wronged you, my dear body: had I never heard that girl in your seventh year class exaggerate about how she drank water so that she wouldn't be hungry, or how she did hundreds of sit-ups before bed, I would have never skipped meals at school (just to binge eat later on) or got out of bed every night, after everyone had fallen asleep, to do 120 sit-ups or more, asking God that He would make you thin. My motto was: be skinny, shrink yourself, be fragile. But you, wonderful body, are flawless as long as you are healthy and I am happy.

I have never been a picky eater. In fact, I realize that I eat more than other girls my age. One of my best friends bought this up, unconsciously and without any harm intended: "Mariana, how can you eat so much? ". From this sentence, I only heard "Eating that much makes you gross in everybody's eyes!!" and it stung. A lot. So much that, sometimes, eating in front of friends still makes me uncomfortable. What if the food I'm eating is too unhealthy and that makes me look gross? What if I eat too fast? What if I enjoy it too much? 

Then, some more serious problems appeared in my mental life, and that took its toll on you. I hurt you all through high school, and for that, I am genuinely sorry. Thankfully, I have a very strict "eating structure" at home, I have a schedule and company for each meal, and that helped me keep healthy-ish eating patterns through my saddest days. However, I distinctively remember, when I went on holidays with my uncles, wanting to not eat on that weekend because my parents wouldn't be watching me. I lost some weight that year, also because of stress and exams, and it was like a positive feedback thing where I wanted my ribs to be more and more visible. Especially due to my family's surveillance, I never completely gave up eating, and for that I'm very grateful.

(I'm sorry, I really am)

I still struggle with eating guilt every now and then, and today was one of those days. It's my sister's birthday, there are LOADS of delicious food but my body image has been terrible these last few days. It's something I have to work on, and I will push those thoughts aside and celebrate the birthday of my favourite person in the world!

However, things are way better than they used to be. I have accepted that you are mine and mine alone and that has reflected on my confidence and self esteem. I am way more surrounded by positivity than I used to be.

So, you marvelous body: I love your big breasts, your curvy waist, your thunder thighs, your small, hobbit-like hands and feet. MY body.  I love the brains that put me in med school. I love my eyes and my lips and my wild hair. I love my strong arms and my short legs. I LOVE YOU AND I LOVE MYSELF AND I WILL SHOUT IT FROM ROOFTOPS TO MAKE IT MORE TRUE.

Lots of love,

Mariana