first of all - hey there again! long time no see!
today's post was inspired by Carrie Hope Fletcher's latest video, you can watch it here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k9dEyhQDbI0
if you don't have the time/patience to watch the video: it's about life after a messy breakup. I don't want to compare my experience to Carrie's because it was nowhere as tragic. however, I could relate to a lot of what she said.
I'll start by saying that the main reason why I'm reflecting on this is because I recently started a new relationship, and a very happy one so far! however, some scars from the past have been influencing my emotional state this past few weeks (an emotional rollercoaster, basically), even though I've moved on quite a while ago.
my previous boyfriend was my first love, when I had no idea what love was. he was my first everything, including my first kiss. he was the person with whom I explored what it meant to be in a relationship, what it meant to give a part of your heart to someone else and trust them not to break it.
I am a very committed person and I take relationships very seriously. that one got to the point when I thought that I was going to marry him eventually and stay with him forever. there were many red flags before we broke up, but I shrugged and thought "well, you're supposed to fight for your relationship, am I right?"
so I fought, and fought. I drove to his house in tears many times, I screamed, I apologised to him in the sweetest ways after my exaggerated reactions to my own overthinking. I did everything to fit my schedule to his own, an effort that he did not meet. it got to the point in which every date ended with a fight, followed by me begging him to forgive me.
slowly but steadily, I destroyed myself. now that I look back, I had no idea who I was without him.
and then, he broke up. he said that he couldn't bear to make me unhappy anymore, and that maybe he wasn't mature enough to be in this relationship. I screamed and cried and begged him not to leave me, but he resisted, and I don't think I've ever felt so much pain in my life.
I did a long marathon of crying into my pillow but somehow I managed to go to school the following day. everyone understood something was wrong and I received a lot of love that day. I remember biting my lip during classes so that I wouldn't burst into tears. that day there was a big party and I really didn't want to go, obviously. but my friends MADE me, and it changed my life.
in the bus home, I told my friend that I was hoping he'd change his mind, and 24 hours later, I thought the opposite.
I had this cathartic moment at that party, when they played "I will survive" and I sung it from the top of my lungs, and I realized that I would, in fact, survive. that moment repeated itself over a year later - some weeks ago, in a party, just before my current boyfriend and I first kissed.
there were a few months when I pretty much cried myself to sleep every night. but I was so well taken care of when I needed it. my friend Rita empowered me with every word she said to me; all my friends were so helpful, and for that, I'm so thankful.
I felt like I had lost all my identity. my ex and I had very different values and I was kinda detached from reality? idk. but slowly, I caught track of myself. I surrounded myself with amazing friends, adopted an "I don't need no man!" attitude, read about feminism and topics that interested me, focused on school, went on trips and adventures with friends, made music... and I became so so so happy as a single woman.
then, a few weeks ago, I started talking to a new guy. I found someone who defies my wits, who shares my sense of humour, and who makes me feel appreciated every day. we started talking, went on a date, then kissed at a party some days later. and then I couldn't believe what I was getting into.
I was so afraid that I'd go back to being an innocent 17-year-old that I built many walls around me, and one by one, he's still destroying them. for a few days after the beginning of our relationship, I doubted EVERYTHING he said. whenever we weren't talking I'd doubt that anything had ever happened and I started overthinking and worrying that history was going to repeat itself.
now, we're getting to know each other better every day. we've talked about our past relationships and that was so important to me in terms of confidence. I feel like he's as committed as me, which I've never really felt before. he brings me so much peace and joy, and I hope we can make this last!
so, basically: messed up things happen and they separate a "before" and an "after" in the timeline of our lives. like Carrie, I feel weird seeing pictures and videos of "before" because I was a really different person. now, despite all that I've suffered, and despite the fears and scars that I have, I am more me than I've ever been, and it feels so good!
lots of love,
Mariana
